So I"ve been making a story because that awhile currently using the characters from the Persona 4 universe. I have made a stormy draft of that so that you folks have the right to view it. I would love some feedback.Persona 4 - The golden Years turbulent Draft.pdf (121.86 KB)

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Sorry its take away me a few days to talk about this. I just obtained a chance to read it tonight and I favored it a lot! ns really expect you proceed with the story because it seems favor it"s heading in a funny place! Your summary of Chie and also Yukiko as old women were terrific - it certainly makes me excited come hear what the various other women in the group look like. If ns were to sell you feedback on exactly how to improve the ar you"ve written right here it would certainly be:- I would love a bit much more detailed explanation of what your bodies look favor as young women. You execute a great job giving great details around how their bodies age however it"ll it is in strengthened by descriptions of those same body component young. At this time you give us what each characters hair and also clothing looks prefer - i beg your pardon is great! however some further details about their bodies - you describe old Chie"s breasts together being the roundest they"ve ever been - what shape are they when she"s young? You describe Yukiko"s aged feet in the orthopedic sandals however we don"t gain a summary of them before they room aged - etc. Because that those of us who aren"t acquainted with Persona 4 it"ll assist paint a much more vivid snapshot for us.- i would likewise love a description of the will as they room walking with it rather than simply the conversation around what they saw. What shade are the walls? What go it odor like? Are any kind of of the aged civilization doing something or look at a certain means to offer clues regarding their true age?- i personally might take into consideration leaving them in their young garments initially ~ the transformation, after every you"ve taken the time to give thorough descriptions of their outfits. It"ll repaint a quite juxtaposition that the personalities with your young body filling out those iconic clothes and also then their elderly body no longer fitting them and maybe looking a bit ridiculous in the exact same clothing. It"ll also give friend a possibility to have actually a scene shortly afterward whereby the team gets come choose new outfits for your aged bodies - probably some of castle pick much more grandmotherly and also grandfatherly versions of their consistent clothing yet others still shot to dress they method they favor to dress v embarrassing results?- I"d really like to get a sense of each of the characters personalities. I"m not acquainted with the topic material and also having 8 protagonists is fairly a lot. Probably its something you can lug out together you develop an ext of the story however from the one conversation the team has its hard for me to tell the personalities apart for this reason far.All in all good work! ns look forward to reading more of it!